This Friday is rumoured to be d-day for all the roid monkeys in Major League Baseball. It’s expected several players will be handed out lengthy suspensions in another effort to clean up America’s game. I’m all for making examples of cheaters…rules are rules after all; however, with drug scandal after drug scandal littering the sports headlines…are ‘clean’ athletes even the majority anymore? I have a solution for Major League Baseball and for all leagues/sports that are having drug problems. Let the roid monkeys cheat…actually let anyone who wants to cheat, cheat. Obviously this would create an unfair disadvantage for the guys who want to keep their testicles. So I’m suggesting a separate league be created all together…
Just the name alone screams dollah dollah biils doesn’t it? Think of it, bringing back the cheaters long shunned from the game…Barry Bonds, Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa, Roger Clemens, Rafael Palmeiro, Jose Canseco, etc. to play with/against some of the new-ish tainted blood like Ryan Braun, Alex Rodriguez and Melky Cabrera. Let the pimply backed, high pitch voiced beasts take as much horse steroids as they want. Can you imagine? An even bigger Mark McGwire holding a bat that looks like a friggin’ tree trunk facing Roger Clemens with a rippling, way too veiny right arm that can throw the ball 200 miles per hour? It would be like a comic book being brought to life. You know you’d want to come out and watch….but you’d probably leave the kids at home since you don’t want them wishing that one day they’ll grow up to be big and strong after doing a few cycles of human growth hormone and pig testosterone only to die of liver failure by age 43.
While the drug users are doing their thing, the leftover ‘clean’ players can play as per usual in their league (snore). The sacred record books will remain untarnished by the greedy evil-doing steroid cheaters. As for the season, it would end with the usual World Series and a champion crowned. However, the twist now would be that the winners from the ‘clean’ league would face off against the winners from the drug league…facing off in the ultimate battle of good vs. evil. Again, this could turn out quite poorly for those with kids if the druggies were to win…you know, with the whole doing drugs makes you a winner angle. Hmm, yeah….that wouldn’t be good….but think of what would happen if the non-needle users won! Cheaters never win…nah na na nah nah.
Sadly, we all know the drug users would win most of the time…but it would be fun to watch the ‘clean’ athletes fail miserably nonetheless.
Mutant Ball if successful (and how could something so wrong not be successful) could be a catalyst for other drug only leagues. Can you imagine a Mutant Olympics? Imagine a roided up Usain Bolt or MIchael Phelps doing ridiculous things like 6 second 100 m dashes and skipping across the pool like a friggin’ insect. How about a completely blood doped Tour De France? Actually wait, it’s already fully blood doped…
Anyway, the chances of these mutant leagues ever happening are about as good as my chances of waking up as a woman tomorrow morning. Man I’m really itching to play that Mutant League Football game now….anyone got that on Super Nintendo?