Warm Bodies

I was perusing the magazine section the other day and I came across some Hustler and Penthouse at eye level, but also some sports mags around nipple level. As many of you are aware sports mags now publish some special issues where they showcase some of the hottest athletes butt naked. If you are interested in seeing some juicy pics click here for the Canadian version and here for the American version of these ‘body’ issues. I think these issues are great, mostly because I’m a perv like the rest of the male population, but also because it gives me some motivation to hit the gym. However, the more I think of it, the more I think these issues give the false impression that all athletes have hot bodies…ok, most of them do, but for shats and gaggles let me present my own alternative ‘body’ issue. This alternative issue would showcase bodies that the regular joe would be able to realistically strive for.

Hockey

Kyle Wellwood – Winnipeg Jets

Kyle Wellwood. The brunt of many cheeseburger jokes

Kyle Wellwood. The brunt of many cheeseburger jokes

It’s tough to find normal looking hockey bodies. Most of the guys are supreme beings. However, one exception that jumps out right away is Kyle Wellwood. The poor guy has been tormented by Canadian media and fans for being on the thicker side. He had the nickname Well-fed during his stop here in Vancouver. Seriously though, if that body is out of shape…I want to be out of shape.

Baseball

CC Sabathia – New York Yankees

CC proves you don't have to be ripped to be riiiiiiiiich

CC proves you don’t have to be ripped to be riiiiiiiiich

My favourite sport has many less-sexy bodies to choose from. Things were much worse in the 70’s and 80’s when it seemed like every team was filled with pot bellied, tobacco chewing tub-a-lards. Nowadays, rosters are filled with lean, PED enhanced muscular bodies; however, there still are some bellies to be found. My choice to represent the boys of summer is C.C. Sabathia of the New York Yankees. Check out that uniform popping physique.

Honourable mention: Pablo Sandoval – SF Giants, Jonathan Broxton – Cincinnati Reds

Basketball

Glen Davis – Orlando Magic

Glen Davis AKA Big Baby.

Glen Davis AKA Big Baby.

Basketball like hockey is full of lean mean money making machines. There are a few meatier boys in the league and the thickest of them all may be Glen Davis. Having some moobs obviously hasn’t slowed down his mojo with the ladies.

Honorable Mention: Carmelo Anthony – NY Knicks

Football 

Michael Jasper – New York Giants

Whoa, 6'4" 375 lbs

Whoa

Football is filled with big boys. These boys may look slow and fat, but these guys can probably run faster than most of you reading this. I don’t even know who this guy is, but he is listed as the heaviest current player in the NFL at a slim 375 lbs. Seriously what do these guys eat to get this big?

Honourable mention: any offensive lineman or defensive tackle

MMA

Roy Nelson 

Knockout beef

Knockout beef

The man they call Big Country is the obvious MMA choice for my make-believe body issue. I’m sure there’s been plenty of opponents who have taunted him about his sexyness and he’s probably given a bunch of them permanent brain damage. For all you nerds out there, when I think of Strong Belwas in Game of Thrones I picture him looking a bit like Big Country…valar morghulis

Nascar

Tony Stewart

I'm a winner...get me a beer

I’m a winner…get me a beer

Who needs to see Danica Patrick in a bikini when you’ve got nascar bad boy Tony Stewart sweating up the place. These guys/gals who sit in these sweat box death machines do take some punishment and most are in top shape.  However, Stewart looks like he’s enjoyed a few more brewskies than the rest of his comrades. I think he looked slimmer in Home Depot orange…

Golf

Angel Cabrera

Can I smoke here? Forget it...I'm smoking anyways

Can I smoke here? Forget it…I’m smoking anyways

Cabrera’s one of the heaviest golfers on tour, but he’s definitely a dude I’d love to golf with. We’d be smoking cigars, chugging scotch and likely be creeping on and harassing the beer cart girl. Although he’d probably smack me in the face with his driver for wasting his time with my 40 handicap.

Sumo

Emanuel Yarbrough

Anyone can be an athlete...ANYONE

Anyone can be an athlete…ANYONE

I’m not sure if he’s still an active fighter, but I would put him in my body issue regardless. I think he still holds the world record for being the largest athlete at approximately 800 lbs. Man, if he ever pinned you…

Soccer

Wayne Rooney – Manchester United

Vinegar strokes!!!

Vinegar strokes!!!

I don’t follow football of the round variety much, but I do know this cat. I know he can score goals and plays for one of the most popular teams in the world. I also know he’s missing a lot of hair…

Ok, I could go on forever, but I’m starting to feel mean. Don’t get me wrong I’m a fan of the athletes-that-don’t-look-like- athletes look. I think of myself as a former member of this club as I grew up playing sports while carrying around some extra love around the gut. I think these sexy athlete issues should pop a few of these not so ripped bodies in their issues to celebrate all body types in the world of sport. Doing so may give kids/teens who maybe aren’t genetically gifted in the looks/body department some hope that they too can be athletes. There, I ended on a somewhat positive note…I feel better now